With tears in my eyes
I want to say to you
my darling Dear,
Fuck you.

WIth a crimson crusted razor on my bed
I say to you
I’m better than this.  

Please
sail away into the deep blue
and never turn back to look.
Never remind yourself of me.

I will be right behind you though
whispering softly
come back to me
Haunt me more.  

In everything you see
I hope my image is placed.  
I hope your eyes well with tears
and I hope your heart is pulled to your stomach
by the invisible rope that was us.  

I hope you curl into your bed
and have dreams of your hand on my side
the place where I only let love hold on to.
I hope you wake up and try to touch me.  

I hope after you’ve dug yourself into a pit of loneliness 
you’ll say
What the hell.

I hope in your desperation to crawl out
you’ll call me up like you always do
and Say I miss you
with a secret code.  

and I hope for my hearts sake
that I will look into your black eyes
and with tears in my say
Fuck
you.  

This room is caving in
I don’t know how much I can hold
I don’t know how much pressure I can take
I have never felt so small

I can’t keep my breaths even
A stone
heavy and cold
Is weighing me down.  

If you want the truth
I’ll tell you quite blankly
I want to dissect myself
every part of myself.  

My eyes are fighting to tell you
the lies that my hips
are hiding, the ones
that my mouth is so eagerly denying.

I have shown restraint 
and I have fought back the darkest demons
I’ve run away from the monsters that were once
unstoppable.

And here I am
in this tiny box
Suffocating
destroying the world I’ve built

The walls need to tumble.
I need to escape
I’ve painted a fantasy
over the reality

My journey is not through
I have miles to go
but tonight I feel as though
the miles behind me,
the ones I have painted over,
will pull me back
and cave me in.  

You fade away with the scent of chloroform 
and dream yourself into darkness. 
You are forced to separate yourself from the living.
You fall asleep in comfort 
and awake in darkness.
cold, wet darkness.  

You watch your mother’s lies
and brutal accusations.
you watch the woman that once cradled you
glare at the people who loved you the most.  
You feel her cold, pitiful stares
and burn inside when she smiles.

You watch them take out a bag
Disgusting and eerie. 
the one you were stuffed into.  

You watch them show off duct tape
Torn and ripped.
What was once on your hair
what was once covering your mouth
suppressing your breath.
Sealed with a Sticker
a
tiny
heart
Sticker.

you hear the stories.
you know the lies
you see their faces
You watch the jury
and you hear what they think
you try to sway what they think to the correct answer
but is too hard.

You in this moment, little Caylee, 
Are God… 
you know all
you see all
you hear all
But even God can’t give you justice that earth owes you.  

all you can do is helplessly watch…
Helplessly watch as a court tries to give you
justice.
A justice that they can’t justify.  

I didn’t know you
I never held you
I never looked into you innocent eyes.
all I know is that you were Robbed.  

you were blindly robbed by someone dear to you. 
you will never feel the suns kisses
or feel the rain on your eye lashes.
you never had a chance to go to school
you never had a chance to hate school
you never felt real hope
real Dispare
real happiness. 
 you will never find a partner to share your life and soul with 
You will never be what God Intended you to be,
because someone took that away from you

Little Caylee,
Silent Angle,
Sing to us your truths
sing them slow and soft
let the slim from the court cease
and let the jury hear your truth

Give them the verdict.
give them the verdict to justify your death
to justify the 80 plus years that were taken from you
to justify every human joy that was robbed from you
to justify every gasp of air you made that fateful day.  

…to justify the betrayal that you carried to heaven…

Sing me your sorrow filled songs
Sing me your tears
sing me your heart
sing me your truth.

but most of all
little Caylee,
Sing me
God’s warmth.  

___________________

Rest in Peace Caylee Marie Anthony
2005-2008
 

lock us in the back of your car
and sing to me off key 
look at me with starry eyes  
Tell me it’s alright.

lean on me
and stare out the windows
watch the lightning make nets in the sky
Lighting up are darkest fears
watch it cage us in the moment.  

With exciting laughs we’ll watch the clouds roll
opening up the stars’ oasis 
Connect them for me
and give them names
Sing to me about the stars
about how they’re so much more.

then I beg you to fall asleep.
let me trace you in the dark
and let me feel your breathing dwindle.
let me feel your heart rate slow.
let me feel you on the edge of death
let me appreciate you so close to his hand.

let me go to sleep with our bodies touching
Let me smell your sent in my dreams
Let me wake from these dreams 
and feel your heart rate increase
Let me feel you rise from depths so close to death. 

let me inflict upon you
a creation from the hearts 
who so desired to be a part of one another.
to join together through the place where they confess.
let me kiss you and remember everything good in my life.  

pale blue 
crawl through my window
spot the ground with your light
grasp my stares
and remind me of the peace you bring.

Remind me of when we first met
on the shore line
near the sea
remind me of the moments we shared
when everyone was asleep  

bring me back to the sea
and the calm wind
let me feel the foreign air in my lungs.  
let me close my eyes and see the city lights.  

Let me yearn for your harmony again
and my heart beg for your serenity 
but snap me back with a little buzz in my ear
and remind me that in this hour
I have found a new peace.  

come with me
lets get dizzy with the sight of a passing train
We’ll smile and laugh with the taste of imported ceylon  
on our lips.

I want to feel the train rumble through my bones
and I want to carry the feeling everywhere I go.
I want to remember driving around this stupid town
I want to remember laughing while the sun goes down.  

I need to get out of here. 
but I want to come back to this
I want to come back to your eyes shining in the sunlight
that floods through the car windows
i want to come back to the taste of peace tea fresh on my lips
I want to come back to humid summers
i want to come back to my childhood summers

I want to come back to who I was.
and remember how I came to be.  

My eyes are so heavy
they weigh my lids down
like anchors in the sea
I can barely function

I don’t remember what inner peace is.
I don’t remember how to communicate
or how to dress
I am an infants mind

Sometimes I just want to cry
or scream
whichever works
but really,
I just want to sleep

I want to look into your changing eyes
and know I’m doing something right
that I’m worth something.
that you love me too.

Lets just sleep
and forget everything
and just sleep.
I’m so burnt out 
let’s just sleep

My anxious heart is trapped
I just need to escape.
I need to sleep
Please lay down with me.

I can’t be alone
I’ll lose whatever sanity is left. 
lets just sleep.
And forget the world.

Then lets wake up to
September rain
and smile to it’s rhythm  
Let’s wake up.
lets be alive for once.  

I want to bleed. 
but I can’t.
I want to climb a high tree
and let my skin catch on loose branches
And I want my palms to feel the bark
tear their soft skin apart.

I want to sit on top the highest branch
to kiss they sky
and look at my sweet louisiana with
utter disdain  and anxious breath. 

As I sit I want to feel
my cuts spread open
I want to feel humid air
tunnel through my veins
I want that pleasure
that I have been so wrongly denied.

And all of you that stand bellow
this tree tell me-
beg me to stop.
However, the period of
craving petty attention is fading.

When I feel blood making it’s way
out of my veins
When I feel sharp pricks of pain
as blood leaks down my limbs
I feel human

For a split second
I feel like I don’t need to be
more than what I am.
That blood strips me to
the essence of who I am
A human.  

You place me in a world 
of expectation
and competition
of perfection
And expect me to live
but I can’t.  

I 
am
Suffocating

I am trying so hard
to not hurt you
but I am alone
and you can’t understand
please don’t cry
but I am shaking

February was such a long time ago. 
I am shaking with
pain
and desire
and stress.  

I 
need
You to hold me still 

I don’t want to hurt you. 
I don’t want to hurt myself.
I don’t want to cause pain.

But,
I want to bleed
I want my demons to flow
out through my blood
i want to forget.

I want to forget that I’m and idiot.
And how I will never be smart enough.

I want to forget his hands
and the stains they left

I want to forget that my thighs touch
And how my body is disgust.

I want to forget that I’m hurting
I want to forget it all.

But I can’t hurt you.
I can’t lose myself again
I don’t want to be this.
I need you.
i need you to hold me.
And my shaking hands
Still.  

I’m a fighter 
and you know I am.
battle scars are crested in my skin.  
But, I’ve reached a point where they they’re just wear and tear.
Not Something that bleeds and feels.
i’ve reached a peace
which has ultimately lead to chaos.

I can’t feel anymore.
And I wear myself to the bone
and try to perfect everything I touch 
and actually try to make myself sad enough to cry. 
because I can’t feel what makes me feel human anymore.

My emotions are so compressed.
They travel through my throat in screams
and in being polite I hold them back.
I try to swallow them.
But end in tears and uneven breathing.

I won’t tell you this,
But I need someone to hold me.
and probe me.
And dissect everything about me.  
and make me confess to them
And make me cry
And make me feel again.

I need you to ask.
And KEEP asking.
until i want to kill you.

and I need someone to notice me scratching
I need you to make me eat.
And force me to do the things
That I tell you I don’t want to
or don’t need to.

I need you to push me to my limits.
I need you to be angry with me.
And disapointed
and help me.
And asks whats wrong.
and don’t take nothing for an answer.
Don’t stop asking until I explode with a confession.
But I need you to wipe my tears.
And touch me as gently as you can.
And feel my heart beating on your chest.

I need someone to love me enough
to fight a fighter.
i want people to know
And care
..but I won’t let anyone…
i need you to force me.

I need you to force me
I need you to push me until I feel
And bleed and cry and laugh
I can’t keep screaming.
Crack me open
release what I won’t let out
Force me.  

I keep trying to be warm
But I can’t make my bones stop aching
I’m cold and lost
and so alone
alone by my own decisions.
I want to tear these walls down.
Tear these memories down.
but even then I won’t be satisfied
and I just want to be happy.
but that’s not an option
happiness was never an option.  

Don’t give in
Resist the urge
hold the fire in your bones
Don’t listen to the world
just hold your heartache in your blood
Don’t relapse
It’s only 5 months  
Keep your breathing steady
Hold the screams under your skin 
Clench your fist
It’s not that bad
Close your eyes
Hold it in.  

My body feels like pins and needles
I can’t feel my throat
Only the air it’s pushing into my stomach
I just want security
but I have none
And I guess I’ll never know.
Love me
love me
pull the air out my stomach
Don’t let me be afraid

it was so long ago
Don’t look
but remember what happens when you ignore
Remember where you were
And what happened
but you can’t kill yourself like this
you’re too young
I’m too young

Not everyone is out to get you
Not everyone will hurt you
only you will let them
I’m not calling you a liar
but don’t hurt me like this

Settle down the seas of my imagination
I have no reason to be on edge
but everything feels like a crumbling wall
My thoughts are above such a weak foundation.
I need your help.  

I feel the needles coming through my eyes
I can feel the ocean bursting at my lids
please assure me love
hold back this flood
I can feel the shots in my noes 
And I can feel the air being pushed back into my stomach
I feel it coming
I know it’s there
please don’t let me live like this. 
kill me

Kilme  

Shake shake shake
go my hands
And the numbness sprints through my veins
I know it’s coming
I’m getting there
My spin clenches and holds its self together.  
release
my limbs slow
i’m okay.  

I can’t be alone anymore. 
My happiness is dependent
On the Presence of Others
And a comforting touch.  

You don’t get it…
I don’t want to come home
Only to lie in the dark
Only to have my mind’s
Unbearable, torturing  
thoughts agonize me.  

I start out stable 
and then a tiny voice starts to talk
and it overanalyzes my life
and my friends
and slowly she starts to panic
which makes me panic
and this voice never stops talking
She never lets me reason
She cries until ultimately, 
She consumes me  

And she’s always talking during the day
but…it’s okay…
people calm her down
people let her breathe
While my mind processes conversation
and touch
She can breathe
She loves people

She loves them so much
she loves her smile
she loves how his hands melt on mine
She loves the sigh she makes after a long laugh
She loves them all
They keep her sane

She is such a contradiction of who I am
but at the same time we are identical
I want to be loved
She wants to be loved
I’m scared of confrontation
of Interaction  
She demands it
I am calm
I am tranquil
She is unstable
Anxious.

We were put into the same body
but whatever deity did this
Did not foretell our differences.  
What I want…
she will scare away
What she wants…
I cannot fulfill
Whether it be by choice or by rule.  

Ultimately I bare the consequences.  
She will never hold such a burden
I am the one troubled
She is the creator
the catalyst.

I just want to be okay
I just want her to be okay
I want us to be okay

No matter the war between us
we are the same.
We want what each other wants

I dish the reasons
I experience the world
and she ignites panic
She tears it apart inside  

It’s like I’ll never live in peace
So I’m just trying to ease her anxious heart
in hopes that mine will one day stop aching.